A decade of self-reclamation that never ends
A family of wounded warriors
I grew up in a typical Chinese family in Singapore where good grades and manners were expected. All of my mother’s six sisters including her were feisty, domineering, loud and scary. One of my aunts found her calling in the military, one female cousin was a soldier for a while my uncle was once a policeman. At my grandma’s funeral, I discovered that one of our earliest ancestors was the son of a general who married the emperor’s daughter in the Tang Dynasty. Warriors are traditionally known to be fearless, loyal and strong. Yet, without a strong anchor to justice and one’s truth, warriors are often their worst enemies.
For some reason, my aunts regarded me as the black sheep since I was a child, throwing insults, and pretending I did not exist during Chinese New Year, amongst many hurtful things. My parents, being impotent themselves did not protect me. They could not utter a word.
One day, I finally asked my eldest cousin in his late 40s then, “Do you know why the aunties treat me this way?”
“Because you are different,” he said.
I hated the fact that I was ‘different’. For the first three decades of my life, I strove to win my family’s favour someday.
There was not a single woman in my environment who truly owned her feminine nature and gifts.
When I turned 30, I became more aware that there was something seriously wrong. I was miserable and anxious all the time. I felt extremely unloved by my family. At work, I isolated myself and blamed my manager for favouritism. I was constantly drawn to partners who were not the right fit all my life.
My first therapist diagnosed me with dissociative disorder because I talked about my father walking out of the family when I was in college, leaving a deep abandonment wound. My second therapist cost me $450 for 45 minutes and told me there was nothing wrong with me, just wounded. From the onset, the conditions were cold and unfair. I could not change any appointment timings, or I’d have to pay the full therapy fee although the rule did not apply to my therapist.
Although I learnt a lot from her, my consciousness was increasing rapidly, so much so that I could see the power dynamics between us. I was the powerless child and she was the figure of authority I desperately held onto. At our last session, I mentioned her words made me feel uncomfortable. To my dismay, she immediately denied it and said I should look for another therapist instead. At that moment, my abandonment wound was triggered and I began clinging onto her instead. I will never forget the triumphant look in her eyes when I dismissed my feelings not to be abandoned. I watched it play out and never made another appointment again.
I knew this was the dynamic between me and the figures of authority in my life (dad, mom, aunts, teachers, bosses etc).
By that time, I had already dipped my toes into spiritual waters. I was attuned to Reiki Level 2, knew how to access the akashic records and had been on a vegetarian diet ever since I could communicate with animals in 2015.
Breaking off from my therapist marked the start of self-empowerment -
the search for the inner teacher.
After discontinuing my sessions with my therapists, I continued my healing journey on my own, guided by Spirit. I learnt to hold myself safe and developed a healthy relationship with my feelings. I realised that healing the inner child and the woman in me required me to direct my life on my terms, meaning, to stop listening to figures of authorities, experts and societies. I began honing my boundaries, intuition and discernment - all of which were crucial while navigating without a map.
After a series of family chaos, I moved out of my mother’s home. Away from home, I built a sanctuary in the comfort of my rented room. However, the lessons never stopped and my inner child wounds continued to be triggered. But the good thing was, without my mother’s suffocating presence, I learnt to heal, cook, garden and be still. I discovered the key to developing greater self-trust was becoming the mother I needed for myself.
I found the strength to walk away from toxic connections and forgive my closest family members. My life began unfolding in unexpected ways. One of the biggest rewards was transforming my relationship with my mother and sister.
The first Moon Mother in Singapore
More of my psychic and healing abilities awakened as my housemates brought people who needed my help back home. When Covid restrictions began to lift, I started holding meditation circles while receiving online training to become the first Moon Mother in Singapore. Moon Mothers are a group of women who are initiated and taught by international author and teacher, Miranda Gray. Though we come from different cultures, all of us feel a deep calling to help women understand, heal, express and live their authentic femininity.
A meditation teacher once told me, “I have no doubt that your life will be of service to people.” After many years, I finally found my calling — to bring balance to the world with my divine feminine gifts and to awaken them in other women and men. With every Womb Blessing and Healing, I activated more of my authentic feminine nature as I peeled away layers of conditioning and hurt.
Upon initiating to the highest Moon Mother level, Level 3, my initiation took a scary turn.
building sanctuaries wherever I moved to taught me how to create safe spaces for myself and people around me.
A test of faith
In September 2022, I flew to Bali to be a digital nomad for 3 weeks. I met a local lady who cleaned and managed my Airbnb property. When I first met her, I instinctively knew there was something wrong with her womb. I asked her if she was tired and if her feet were cold. She revealed that her hormone contraceptive patch was causing heavy bleeding, which her doctor considered normal. She was visibly distressed that the doctor did not see a problem. I reminded her of her body’s wisdom and to trust her intuition.
Before I left, I offered her a complimentary womb healing session. Though she was always smiling, I sensed deep-rooted anger towards her husband and sadness relating to her mother. She shared that in her decade-long marriage, she had never said no to her husband whenever he wanted to have sex no matter how tired she was. I also learnt that she had been feeling alone since her mother passed away. Seeing her tear as she spoke, it felt like I was the first person she’d confided in. Afraid that she would be all alone after my departure, I taught her two meditations to connect to her womb and her ancestors and left her a bunch of powerful Goddess oils. The next day, the lady came to work with a genuine smile and even had lipstick on. She was living proof that when a woman is given love and support, she blooms.
But not everyone was happy. When I got back to Singapore, I began throwing my toys, spiritual tools and crystals away. I could not shake off this darkness around me. After a few confirmations, I realised that her husband had been sending black magic to me. It took me two months to break the curse and many more months after to recover.
To break the curse, I chanted sutras for the perpetrators and my ancestors to clear karma. With relatives on both my mom and dad’s side surviving psychic attacks before, I knew this was ancestral karma. I also engaged the help of healers to clear my energies a couple of times. My sister, the closet priestess stepped up too. But I never sent the energies back for I did not want to provoke a stronger attack. And finally, when I was strong enough, I energetically broke the tool that was used to carry out the deed.
Guan Yin, Di Zhang Wang Pu Sa and other buddhas were with me, and so were the Goddesses. Amongst the many lessons I needed to learn were compassion, strength and the power of light over darkness.
As I drowned in darkness, I asked myself several times, should I continue to heed my calling?
Today, I know, I must.
Moving through the shadows to stand in the lighT
In August 2023, I went to Japan for the best trip of my life. For 11 weeks, I communicated with the divine everywhere – in shrines, temples, trees, mountains and lakes. I followed the dragons and went wherever I was guided. I passed messages from the Goddesses to the locals, missed a train to save an old man’s life and helped a woman reconnect with her ancestors. Being very attuned to the mystical, the Japanese were receptive to my gifts and took good care of me. In the warmth of my blessed journey, I also recalled my dad’s sexual abuse.
After returning to Singapore, it took 8 months of deep inner work to cleanse my system, culminating in a confrontation with my dad after a breakup. It was clear that my decade-long healing journey had prepared me for the deepest and most transformational shadow work. And nobody emerges from the ashes untouched.
During that time, I transitioned from full-time freelance copywriting to full-time soul alchemy, meditation facilitating, sound healing and feminine soul healing. On Sundays, I organise a book club to take women into wonderful feminine literature. We are still taking our time with Braiding Sweetgrass as we often end up sharing so many other things after discussing one chapter. The next book will be Women Who Run With The Wolves.
Every day, I am shedding a new layer and softening into my humanness. Currently, my healing journey takes me deep into inter-generational patterns across lifetimes. I am also actively expanding my capacity to support my family and community.
A life of service
My deepest hope is for everyone to know that we are all enough. We do not need to run ourselves dry to be happy in today’s hyper-masculine world. I wish to support people who desire to create workplaces and systems that respect our need for rest, spontaneity, flow, creativity, authenticity and nurturing mentorship.